Just surviving is what I do most of the time. Nothing more than just surviving. Blaming lack of time or perhaps blaming it all on chaos that is life. Just surviving stands in my way of doing what I truly desire.
Yet even when my rat-race-infested schedule clears I most of the time don’t jump at the opportunity. Instead I blame tiredness and over-saturation for yet again failing to do what I supposedly so passionately desire. Bizarre, right?
I am amazing at one thing though. I am the king of excuses. The man who is a natural ruler of the world of procrastination. Of course afterwards I fabricate excuses for not doing or worse yet I guilt myself into perpetual self-pity.
Just staring at random screens – like a zombie – immersed in a digital rat race. It has nothing to do with fucking bipolar disorder. It’s lack of true desires, lack of passions. Wait a minute?! I just realized that I actually do desire one thing for sure: to be passionate!
That actually made me smile. Feels much better than not smiling so I’ll take it! Rough start for sure but at least it’s something…
(excerpt from a journal of daily contemplations powered by the increasingly evolving bizarro world of my making)