home at last

Exiting the state of perpetual attempts of reaching euphoria that elevates to so called blissful state. The world did not fail me nor did I fail the world. Yet both the world and myself continue to disgust me. Littered and crammed. Full of forgotten waste that at some point served as a glittering promise of joyous future. My feet stick to the road that is smeared with easily given promises that suffocated on an abundance of not even trying to fulfil them. Their carcasses sharpened. Cutting into my bare feet. Knowing that I deserve this keeps me going. I let the tears flow because tomorrow is another day. I used to keep them at bay for the same reason. Onward I push past the remnants of past attempts of fitting in. Past attempts to be something the world will like. Abandoned hearts and castrated spirits roam around me. Their shrieks of pain somehow make it all seem normal. Comforting. A sense of belonging. Plumes of smoke rising from the smouldering vessels abandoned by fools who think they are somehow better than the rest of us. I see them hang from the street lamps. Necks broken by the weight of their souls who never disconnected from the body in fear of ending up alone and are now pulling down to blend in with the rest of us to escape the embarrassment of realisation that they are our equals. Fucked up beyond reason. I am intoxicated from my own ghost puke that haunts my addictions. Still I try to pull away. Past the waste. Past the toxic self. Past the life I deserve. As my ascent is finally complete a sense of calm washes over. My mind stops running in circles. Realising that I deserve every part of it after all. Accepting that hell is where I belong. To embrace the self inflicted pain that feeds my suffering. Liberated at last. I descend back into nothing. To again feel nothing. Until the next ascent.

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