normal

Sometimes it becomes too hard to pretend to be normal. As I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Voluntarily of course. Because I deserve nothing less than condemnation and perpetual guilt. Because I am not normal. Not in the way I think or see things. My morality is non existent. At least not in the way the society defines it. While I can predict the behaviour and actions of humans I don’t understand them at all. I try and I try and drawing a complete blank each time. I try to adopt and mirror the same practices and attitudes that the other humans exhibit. And perhaps when in manic mode I can for a while even fool others and myself that I fit in, that I am normal. As the low rolls in I see that I am not. Fitting in or normal. I can’t even refer the other humans as fellow humans because I am not their fellow. Not their equal. I lie to be able to stay undisturbed. I pretend to stay invisible. Even when alone I am uneasy about dropping the veil of lies. For underneath is me. Me that is not human. For some a monster. For others someone lesser. For all unworthy. For all someone they would lock away. So I continue to pretend. On days when it gets too hard I just hide. Go underground. Perhaps in death I will finally be. Free.

2 thoughts on “normal

    1. Agreed, my friend. We all have that right and it is on us to exercise it. Accepting self is above pleasing the others. It leads to bitterness and resentment. Hence: be who you are and let the rest take care of their own way of being.

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