Sometimes it becomes too hard to pretend to be normal. As I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Voluntarily of course. Because I deserve nothing less than condemnation and perpetual guilt. Because I am not normal. Not in the way I think or see things. My morality is non existent. At least not in the way the society defines it. While I can predict the behaviour and actions of humans I don’t understand them at all. I try and I try and drawing a complete blank each time. I try to adopt and mirror the same practices and attitudes that the other humans exhibit. And perhaps when in manic mode I can for a while even fool others and myself that I fit in, that I am normal. As the low rolls in I see that I am not. Fitting in or normal. I can’t even refer the other humans as fellow humans because I am not their fellow. Not their equal. I lie to be able to stay undisturbed. I pretend to stay invisible. Even when alone I am uneasy about dropping the veil of lies. For underneath is me. Me that is not human. For some a monster. For others someone lesser. For all unworthy. For all someone they would lock away. So I continue to pretend. On days when it gets too hard I just hide. Go underground. Perhaps in death I will finally be. Free.

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