I woke up this morning restless and sore. Soreness came from pushing self the day before. Swimming further than I ever swam before. Much further. Simply because I could and because I chose to leave the boundaries of my comfort zone. I would like to think that the nature embraced me. Strike that! I choose to accept that I became one with the lake and the nature surrounding the lake. There was no judgement, no ill thoughts, just serenity within and around me. It was a profound experience that warmed my core. .
Yet when I woke up this morning I felt no serenity at all… instead just restlessness. Unease. Usually I ‘manage’ the unease with back to back shots of freshly pulled espresso. As the first shot slowly made its way throughout my body something strange happened: no usual sense of elevation came. Restlessness stayed. Another shot. Again no change. I quickly checked if I didn’t mistakenly pulled decaf espresso (yes, I admit I do possess one can of decaf coffee for times when I just wish to smell the coffee, taste the coffee, and not be up all night because I sometimes get these urges moments before falling asleep and infusing espresso at that time usually results in yours truly floating and running on air half the night and begging the gods or whatever the soup de jour supernatural entity I think of to please grant me some sleep). Alas, that was not the case. I pulled the right shots. Sigh.
Since escapism wasn’t happening I faced the demon that fueled the restlessness. Which demon though? I have plenty that keep me from sleeping or sometimes functioning properly. My pondering was futile. I had no clue as to why I feel the sadness. Just as I was to give up and add despair to restlessness – an idea hit me! Could it be I was restless because of my majestic lake experience the day before? Could it be I was already regretting that it is now behind me? If so why diminish the experience by letting sadness take over because the experience is now in the past? Is my be really that fragile?
Maybe it was the espresso finally kicking in or maybe it was me realizing how futile it is to regret a beautiful experience just because it’s over. Yesterday was a priceless gift. A gift that enriched me. Yet here I am feeling down because of it. A gift that should not be seen as a burden. For it was given selflessly. It was given to me because I let go of control and let be guide me. It made me think about the giving and how I believe that on some level we were built to enjoy giving and to give from the heart. Same goes for receiving gifts. Take them to your heart. Embrace them. They are not a curse. My experience was anything but a curse. It was majestic as fuck. And I choose to let it live inside me, to grow and perhaps one day it will pour out of me into someone else. Spread around. The joy of life. The bliss of be. Me.