Observe and self-reflect. At least I try to. Not very successful if successful at all. During my write a poem (spliced and hacked together from song titles that topped charts during a particular year) challenge I again noticed that I am drawn to darkness, to sadness, to pain for the tone of most of my “creations” emitted a very distinct sadness and pain. Once the challenge ended the streak of sadness continued. Perhaps it was mostly because of the low I entered.

Perhaps it was due to anxiety I am experiencing when observing and interacting the worlds (both micro and macro) that surround me. Pandemic. Gradual perishing of reason. Anger due to helplessness that manifests in incredibly toxic environment full of toxic people. All of those add to the way I am these days.

To be fair, I was never a “positive all the time no matter what” person, however, I do remember euphoria I have felt, expressed, and emitted. In fact I was infused with euphoria more than with acute sadness. Then something changed. Gradually. The chaos that I so liked to embrace suddenly became my nightmare that I just couldn’t overcome. Pretty much everything that used to brought out the warmth and gung-ho fuck yeah let’s do this attitude stopped working.

Yes, I’m bipolar. Yes, I ignored it or pretended that it isn’t there. Yes, was reckless. Yes, I sometimes obsess and can’t let go. Yes, I fucked up a few things. Royally. Yes, I failed to get up. But this is not why I am spewing out these words today for. Not today. I won’t get derailed again.

Today I made a decision to challenge myself by writing a blurb, a paragraph, a poem, a story, or whatever else as long as it falls into “writing” area. Theme: beautiful, positive things that motivate me, that excite me, that make me want to be better. Shortly: gung ho positivity! Hahaha. This challenge just might be my funeral. If so it will be the most beautiful, epic, fucking awesome beyond funeral! I am exited. Pumped. Scared. Determined. Doing this. Now. I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me…

leap, 2021

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