I am filled with sadness today. Still processing a recent death of someone that was close to my heart. His shockingly quick demise continues to echo within my soul. Awaiting in horror to see if someone even closer to me is condemned with a different kind of treacherous disease.
I feel like a piece of monumental shit when my worry for them turns to worry for myself. Feeling fragile, both in body and spirit. Moments when I feel invincible rare and nearing extinction. A pesky cough that rears its ugly head at nights becoming one of my regular passengers. My body aching despite my diligent efforts to strengthen it.
I am horrified when I catch myself thinking about my fragility while those close to me are actually battling for life. Am I really this shallow? I am this selfish? I am sad for being that way.

Hah… once again I, I, I!

Fucking I!

burn, 2016

10 thoughts on “I I I

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Being human beings, we cannot help feeling scared and worried for ourselves. I believe this does not make us selfish, it makes us more human; more real. Most of the times, we are all we have anyway.

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  2. I am so, so sorry, dear Danijel. My god how awful, my heart is with you. I also feel fragile when those around me are suffering. Maybe… it is human nature, that we are all connected and made of the same pain on some level. I am sending you thoughts of peace and lots of hugs. Take the best care of you. ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful and kind thoughts that warm the heart and soul. I agree with you that the suffering and fragility we encounter when someone close to us gets hurt or worse even is taken away for good is part of our human nature. I often struggle when at times I feel almost nothing and then a few moments or days or weeks or months even I am overrun by debilitating sadness that can cripple me for days or weeks. It’s all part of life in the end. We live, we die. In a way it is a reminder to life your life to the fullest or at least try to as often as possible. One of my favorite thoughts I read (sadly I can’t remember who the originator of it is) goes something like this: “The healthiest response to life is joy.” It’s actually a multilayered thought that can be alienating when one deals with loss for very obvious reasons, however, at the same time it is a very important reminder that life is not to be taken for granted, instead, it should be cherished and enjoyed. Thank you once again for being a marvelous friend and a truly kick ass human being. Much love to you. Always. ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. Exactly! Life is tricky. However, without the tricky part it would be boring and mundane. Hence, embracing complexity of it and trying to recognize parts when it’s simple and then try not to make it complicated. 😉 Also, fuck yes!!! Friends, art, whiskey, adventures! XXX

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  3. We cannot hide from what is our destiny, and each time we witness it in others our fear for ourselves is strengthened. We must fear the reaper, for without a purpose we would simply exist without destiny or path. It’s our lot, and only we can truly understand it for ourselves.

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