… so then a day comes around. A day that starts off just like most do. Morning coffee. Smile. Listening to the sounds of birds chirping and singing. Simmering of hope. Joy even. Just when I begin to think everything is ok. Just when I ease myself into a comfortable mood, as I surrender into having an average, normal day… It just stops. Heart beat shoots up. My eyes start to race. Comfort immediately gone. Replaced by numbness. By nothingness.

Feeling empty I go about my day. A fucking walking human version of a fog. Absolute automatism. One foot up. Crack open those lips. Saying hi to those I encounter professionally. I can’t even register them. Is there any warmth behind their smile? Do they feel none in mine? I feel very uncomfortable. Want to just cease to be.

Rain is pouring outside. Crashing onto the street bellow. Pouring down the window. I’m suffocating. Panic attack. My office phone rings repeatedly. I need fucking air. Raindrops wash over my face as I stand next to an open window. Closing my eyes. To feel the chill from the wind as it howls from outside in. My face is wet. Rain pours in, soaks my clothes, my body, my soul.

Fucking phone won’t stop ringing. A knock on my door. Again and again. Door opens. Secretary whispers. My next client is here. I need 5 more minutes. She leaves. I don’t care for her bewildered look as I just stand still in a puddle of rainwater. Trying to feel something. Anything. Rain stopped. Suddenly my face gently bathed by sunlight that pierced through the clouds. It feels good. I want to hold onto to this.

Office door opens and in comes my secretary. Freshly pulled espresso in a small ceramic cup. She sets it down on my desk. She tells me to take five more minutes. The world can wait. She leaves.

I bring the cup to my lips. Inhaling the bitter sweet aroma. A slow sip. As the coffee hits so does the desire to be alive. I can do this. I can pretend my way through this shit again. Time to punch out my dream yet again!

🎶No change, I can change
But I’m here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I’m a million different people
From one day to the next
I can’t change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
(Have you ever been down?)
I can’t change, oh, no
I can’t change, oh

🎶‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, that’s life
Tryna make ends meet, tryna find somebody then you die
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah…

Hello, my name is Danijel. How are you doing on this marvelous day?

9 thoughts on “stagger

    1. It truly makes my day to hear this. Thank you, enchanting Allison. This one came out gushing (as dreadfully showcased by a plethora of misspellings and typos… I really should make an effort to read whatever I splice together before posting) like an angry waterfall powered by an epic thunderstorm that very much resembled an actual one that was taking place at that very same time outside my office. Double life at its most mundane.
      Also, I find it fascinating how easily I can abandon my dreams just so I can make it to the end of the day. Though, if nothing else at least I let words fall out of me. That’s got to be some sort of a progress, right? ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I thought it was fucking gorgeous and seamless how you spliced the storm outside with it all over you inside. I could picture it like a movie, and I felt understood by the way you did that. Like… yeah, that’s exactly how it is for me too, the interchange of the vision and the dream and the ‘reality.’ I loved it so much. ♥️♥️♥️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Coming from such a breathtaking writing like you… it’s both humbling and ego-boosting to the n-th degree! There are no words that could describe the gratitude. Thank you beyond, rockstar Allison!❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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