there is always the last time for everything. just thinking about it I am washed over by the gravity and poignancy of this. how many things I do and have done while being on auto pilot or because I had to do it because I found those things to be annoying or burdensome? how many times was I annoyed with my dog that begged for my attention while I was reading or watching a movie and then I grumpily took her out acting as if this is such a nuisance?  my dog is 14 years old now. she has cancer. she has a serious heart condition. while she is still very much a high spirited being just like she was when she was young she is definitely incapable of doing a lot of things

there are so many things I do that I take for granted. as if they will be around forever. as if I will. I am suddenly I am drench with cold sweat. so many moments wasted. so many lost forever. I will never talk to any of my grandparents for they are gone. I will never see my grandparents that I so rarely visited because it was too much of a hassle or because it would take half a day of my life.

Yet, at the same time there is so much to look forward to, so much life to live and enjoy. I choose to not dwell on thousands of lost last moments and instead will honor them by living and experiencing those that are here and now. first such string of moments will take place right now as I take my beautiful doggie on a long walk outside in the sunshine. For I am here, right now. For she is here, right now. We are. Right now.