begin again

It was a liberating moment and it happened so suddenly that it left me speechless. After being haunted for years. Belittled. Abused. Taken advantage of. I was convinced for so long that this was a tragic story with abysmal ending. The ending that kept dragging on and on, slowly sucking the life out of me whenever I was starting to liberate myself. Of course this was of my own doing. My mind, my heart, my body even. All committed treason and I let it happen. Never truly letting myself face the reality. Always sabotaging self when I wanted to begin again. Always jumping like an obedient dog when visited by my past. Sadly I surrendered each time. Hoping for a better outcome. Hoping to know paradise.

Just as I was about to accept that my reality is a life haunted by regret and sorrow, a new wave, or perhaps a wave that was here all along, lifted me up from the muck-filled sinkhole and washed me clear of it. Suddenly I realized that all along I was haunted by a ghost of mediocracy. And just like that my vision, my breathing, and my heart beat, grew stronger. For the first time in a long time my mind was crystal clear. The fog was lifted. What used to be sharp daggers worn by disparaging and judgmental remarks now turned to harmless decaying leaves that swirl around in the spring time wind.

I am very much aware that there’s still a long way to go. There will be challenges. There will be obstacles. There will be times when I will be tempted to let myself be sucked into numbness and sorrow yet again. However, knowing that I was haunted not by some extraordinary being and knowing that instead I was haunted by a ghost of mediocracy, is truly liberating and heart warming.

I smile as the sun rises. It’s a good morning and I’m ready to move on. Breaking the spell to begin again.

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