lesser evil

it starts as a mild tingling sensation. my fingers and toes experience it first. soon the tingling spreads through my limbs all the way to the torso. slowly the tingling intensifies to a point when my limbs seem to pulsate wildly. as the pulsating gets harder and harder the pain introduces itself.

weird pain.

impossible to pin point what kind it is. it’s a like a mixture of burning, stabbing, and squeezing. hard to compare it to other bodily pains I’ve had the privilege to experience and survive so far in my life. it’s annoying. then just like that my limbs go numb to a point of me not feeling any pain at all. a few days ago I accidentally cut my forearm. I only noticed it when I discovered a trail of blood drops I was leaving behind me. no idea when I cut it. I didn’t feel it. neither did I feel any pain when I discovered it. same thing happened when I bumped my head hard into a door frame. I actually chipped a little bit of wood off of it. felt no pain when i did it. large bump that grew on my forehead a few minutes later would suggest otherwise. sadly the pain returned as the numbness disappeared. the bump was very much real and painful. as was the cut on my forearm. added bonus on top of all that – chronic fatigue and aggressive depression.

all of these are the side effects of the current eye meds I am taking to battle further suffocation of my eyes. they represent the lesser of evil since they are battling a war against me going blind. that’s a good thing I know.

nevertheless they also add a lot of confusion to my dealings with my perpetual stowaway (bipolar disorder). combined they make me feel deep sadness and inadequateness as a human being.

fortunately the upcoming eye surgery will make the use of current meds obsolete.

so there is the light at the end of this surreal extra curriculum journey. just a few more weeks and I will bathe in it… at least I hope so.

fingers crossed!

10 thoughts on “lesser evil

      1. Awe. Thank you yet again for such soulwarming words. Hopefully your eyes feel better. I’ve had quite a journey so far with mine. If nothing else this whole experience and dealing with it made me feel more humble and fortunate at the same time for I still have the gift of sight that I wish to use for as long as possible. ❤ ❤

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