It’s a struggle. To just absorb. Absorb. Absorb. To a point when you stop living. Because you are overwhelmed by life that is not really yours. Not even close to yours. You cease to be you. You are just an assumption. Add in the mental disease. And fucking NO, this is not a feeling sorry for self rant. Don’t read it like that. It is not an “I’m broken” wordpuke. It’s an acknowledgement. To push myself forward. Past the absorb level. To fucking release it. To say FUCK YOU to the part of me that out of fear and insecurity just let’s life happen to me instead of making it happen. Interesting thing. People embrace the wailers and moaners, the perpetually broken. Why? Because they are seen as failures and therefor fit in perfectly in the world of condescension. But the moment you attempt to exit that orbit they will start to hate you and attempt to bring you down. Shoot down your dreams. Shoot down your be. It is at that moment that you need to reinforce self. Especially the parts that are afraid and insecure. Take those parts and keep them close to your heart. Gently. And then push. You are not in a race. You are deciding to create life. On own. Your life. Your dreams. Create. With actions. Not words. Sure, it’s ironic that I write this out in words. But it’s a mantra of a kind. That I need to repeat to myself. It helps if it’s in the written form. Helps me. Doesn’t mean or even intend to help anyone else. Their life is their own to own. They need to own their ways. You own yours. Don’t let anyone impose their way on you. Own yours. Let them own theirs. Don’t ignore yourself. Your weaknesses… don’t shun them. Own them. Keep them close. Don’t ignore them. Challenge them. Again and again. Be gentle yet firm as well. You are stronger and better than you think. Fucking love yourself. And live.