failure

I fail. Often. Sometimes so often I forget what not failing feels like. A few days ago I failed again. Failed hard. Spiraled further as a consequence. Got sick. Sicker than ever in last 9 years. Last time I was days away from death. This time not even close. Yet this time it drained me psychologically. Completely. And again a despair washed over. Got a firm grip on me. Started to pull me under. Still I was kicking. Mostly myself. Enough to not again spiral into a big clusterfuck of nothing but human waste. Excuses latched on to me. For a few moments I felt good. But I knew this is a deception. One that have to face. Not run away with it. Embrace the pain. Pain that when accepted helps me grow. The pain I feel today transforms into the strength I will feel tomorrow. Only if I accept it, accept me, and not let diminish me. So today I stand here, bruised and scared, allowing the grin to return. Allowing me to be me. Me that fails but also gets back up. Again and again. Only real fail is to give up. That I am not. Ever. The only thing I have to lose is myself. So… I embrace the pain. Pain is my friend. Sometimes my only one. And that is ok. I learn and grow. And live…

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