good morning to myself. it’s grey outside. slightly foggy but not in that soft magical kind of way. today feels heavy. it seems heavier than yesterday when I had a kind of a meltdown. meltdown that hurt someone I love in the worst of ways. it was cruel. it was demeaning. it just simply unearth the side of me that I either have hidden expertly or is a consequence of me ignoring the alarm bells that have been ringing in my head for so long now. despite all this wonderful being I betrayed proved once again that she is grander than me and absorbed the abuse then returned with love. I know I hurt her deep nevertheless. Maybe I don’t deserve a second chance yet I will do my best to earn the trust again. hopefully my best will be enough. in my arrogance I have previously thought that I can create my best completely on my own. in my arrogance I thought I can deal with my bipolar disorder on my own. sadly I was wrong. wrong about so many things. I can’t change my past but I can work hard on my future. better future and hope that it is not too late…